Pag Pinipilit, Lalong Nasisira

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko naman sinasadya. Ayaw ko na ngang pumunta. So bakit pa ako pumunta? Napilitan akong pumunta dahil sa anak ko. Natural tatay niya yun. Kaarawan ng tatay niya... so kailangan pumunta. Nang-imbita ang lola eh, anong magagawa ko? Pero sa totoo ayaw ko talaga.

Hindi ko na nabili ang dapat kong bibilhin para sa kanya. Hindi na ako nag-effort kahit gustuhin ko. Hay buhay.

Sabi niya sa akin gusto niya mapag-isa.

Natagpuan ko siyang tulog nung kami'y dumating. Nung ginising ko siya tinanong ko siya... Anniversary pala ng pagkakaibigan niyo. 1 yr na pala kayong nagkakape. Bwisit ang bungad sa akin. Galit na galit at tantanan ko daw siya. Huwag daw ako makulit. Nagdabog. Nagpapalabas sa kuwarto. Nagsusumigaw na parang hari.

Sa totoo hindi ako nakikipag-away. Siguro nang-aasar lang. Eh, sa asar din ako, baket ba?
Pero ako'y napaluha. Alam kong babanggitin mo dapat ang di ko gusto marinig. Pero di ko alam ano ang nagpigil sayo para hindi sabihin ito.

Makulit ako. Deal with it. Ganon talaga ako. Ngayon kung hindi mo talaga kaya ang kulit ko... Ganon talaga ang buhay. Hahanap-hanapin mo din ang kulit ko akala mo. Dahil pag hindi na kita kinulit, wa na ako pake.

Minsan iniisip ko kung bumalik ako sa dati. Walang pakialam. Magkasama tayo sa iisang bubong, pero walang pakialamanan. Gawin ko gusto ko, nagagawa mo gusto mo. Walang sabihan kung anong trip. Ganon lang. Kaso hindi siya relasyon. Wala lang. Andun lang ako, pero parang hindi.

Napapaisip ako ngayon kung ano ang dapat kung gawin. Siguro nagpupumilit ako.. pinipilit ko ang hindi pa pwede. Naalala ko tuloy yung isa kong telepono. Pinipilit ko siyang ayusin. Hindi ko alam ano pumasok sa utak ko at pilit kong binubuklat ung casing niya.. ayan tuloy nasira!

Ganito rin kaya tayo? Habang pinipilit ayusin.. ayan lalong nasisira?!?

Payo nila hayaan kita.

Ang isip ko naman: Ayaw ko.. paano na ako?

Kasakiman ba ito? Selfishness on my part? Mukha nga akong tanga... kasakiman pa rin?

Kung praktikal ka, alam mo na ang dapat mong gagawin.. pero hindi. HINDI KA PRACTIKAL.

Ako? Martyr daw ang tawag sa akin. Binabaril sa Luneta. hahaha.. Kelan kaya ako matatauhan?

Lintek na pag-ibig yan. Lalong pinipilit, lalong nasisira. Leche!

Meron akong sikreto

Meron akong sikreto... hahaha... kase nga sikreto hindi ko pa pwede ibunyag.  Pero sa sobrang tuwa ko gusto ko siya iblog! hahaha..  Anyway, I've been thinking what to give this special someone as a perfect gift for his birthday.  So ngayon may idea na ako kung ano ibibigay ko. I'm sure ikakatuwa niya ito pag nabigay ko na sa special day niya.  Fingers crossed.  LOL.. Tinawagan ko na ang kelangan tawagan at nagpareserve na ako ng kelangan ireserve.. soooooo.. hintay-hintay na lang ng araw na yon.  At oongapala... aprub ang pto ko sa araw na yun!  Yey!  Kahit sira ang agent portal ko na nagloloko at nagsasabi na cancelled daw siya, may go-signal na kay TL na aprub siya.  Yun nga lang... sa kagustuhan kong makasama siya..alam mo naman yun, magulo utak.. talo pa babae sa kaartehan.. pero mahal ko siya eh.. anong gagawin ko?!?  Basta-basta.. kahit hindi ko siya makasama buong araw, nais ko lang ibigay sa kanya tong regalo nato na tiyak eh pagkakaguluhan niya at itatanong kung saang lupalop sa pinas ko nakuha at pag nalaman niya paniguradong ipagmamayabang sa mga kaopisina niya.. pero ang tanging hangad ko lang.. pls lang.. wag na wag siya sanang bibili dito at magbibigay lang dun sa hinayupak na malanding babaeng un..hahaha.. nde ako bitter.. asar lang talaga. pano ba naman ang niluto kong sikretong pasta na nasarapan siya at nalaman kung ano yun..ipagluto ba naman dun..leche! anyway.. tama na negatibo.. masaya ako kung ano meron kame.. talaga!  may anak kame na napakabait at napakatalino at napakacute..hahaha.. nanay talaga ako...hangad ko lang sana maayos talaga kame. 

General 6 Card Spread - 8/13/2008

	how you feel about yourself now (Temperance) You feel a need for harmony and balance in your life and indeed are starting to feel that some peace has already been restored. If you have been through some tough times, such as a break up of a relationship or financial problems, peace will be restored. However if you are still experiencing problems, this is a time for calm, careful control and patience and you will soon have a sense of normality again.
	what you most want at this moment (The Hierophant) The cards suggest chel, that what you most want at this time is to have someone around you that you can trust and confide in, knowing that they won’t let you down. There are moral issues here, knowing right from wrong, and you may feel that you need some advice or wise counsel from a teacher, priest, parent or someone you have a lot of respect for, in order to help you make the right decision.
	your fears (The Emperor) You are feeling that success is just around the corner but it feels elusive, just out of reach. You are concerned that the support and help that you want from your father, husband/partner or a man of significance in your life won’t materialise. Trust and ask for the help you need, and success will be yours.
	what is going for you (Justice) There is a karmic power to the Justice card, reward for the good deeds you have done in the past. This is a period of good luck even if you don’t know why you are being so favoured. You will approach any issues concerning relationships or business affairs with calm, balanced logic and any claim will go in your favour.
	what is going against you (Strength) Your negativity and lack of self control are your real enemies. If you are finding certain addictions in your life are taking a hold, be it smoking or drinking for example, look inward for you hearts true strength and self-belief. Change your attitude and be positive and you will reap great rewards.
	outcome (The Sun) The Sun is shining on you - it's your time for success, joy and happiness. You will feel confident and full of vitality. It's a time to celebrate with friends and loved ones, perhaps enjoy a well-earned holiday, a time of pleasure and good news around children or the conception or birth of a longed-for baby. If you are not feeling this way take heart, you will enter this period soon.

Aries - The Player

Just for fun... grabbed this post for Orchid.. hahaha... Me: ARIES - THE PLAYER (3/21-4/19) Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed...(hahaha)Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE. My Lover: LEO - THE SEX MANIAC (7/23-8/22) Very talkative. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, Fun and SEXY. Have own unique appeal. Irresistible. Most caring person you'll ever meet! however not the kind of person you wanna mess with...they will kick your ***... u might end up crying... My Kid: VIRGO - THE BEST SEXUAL PARTNER (8/23-9/22) Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. EXTREMELY SEXY. Predict future. Loves being in long relationships. Has lots of friends. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Also not a fighter, but if they have to, they will also knock the lights out of you if it comes down to it.Cool. Loves to own Geminis' in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart. heheh.. la lang share lang..

My General 6 Card Reading

how you feel about yourself now (The Magician) You feel a sense of purpose and the willpower to get things done. Self-empowerment is the key word here. Any new enterprises in love or career show great potential. You feel that you have the ability to think on your feet and, faced with opposition, the appearance of The Magician is an excellent omen of success. Time to believe in your self and go for it! what you most want at this moment (The Empress) The cards suggest chel, that at this time you desire comfort, security and happiness and may well need some emotional support and reassurance. (If you are considering having a baby the desire will be very strong at this time, or perhaps you are already pregnant and you have some concerns. If male, perhaps you are considering fatherhood with someone but have concerns.) Things will turn out fine, just know that you are loved and that there are people around you who care. your fears (The Sun) You are afraid that things seem too good to be true, so much pleasure and joy - well enjoy it, sometimes we can be pleasantly surprised. If you have been unwell this is a time of rejuvenation and good health. Perhaps you are afraid that things won’t actually get better - have faith you are about to enter a happy and pleasurable time. The Sun heralds an ending to difficulties and a time to celebrate with friends and loved ones, a time of pleasure and good news around children or the conception or birth of a longed-for baby. what is going for you (Wheel Of Fortune) Call it fate or destiny but the run of good luck or good fortune you are experiencing or about to experience is mostly not of your doing - enjoy this time. If there seem to be a number of positive coincidences happening in your life this is known as synchronicity, go with the flow and trust it. what is going against you (The World) As always, fear holds us back and so often leads to missed opportunities. Do not give up or change direction this late in the game just because you have experienced delays - stick with it, have faith and trust the universe, and you will reach the successful conclusion you are wanting. outcome (The Hierophant) Help is at hand. If you want wise counsel and moral guidance put your trust in someone you have a lot of respect for. Don’t allow others to influence you too much with what they want you to conform to, be true to yourself. When considering your options go with tried and tested traditional values, rather than the unconventional novel approach. For example marriage is more likely to be your desire than a living together situation.

Solitude vs. Loneliness --THE HERMIT

Got this from Lotus Tarot [ http://lotustarot.com ] email...

Hi chel

What’s the difference between solitude and loneliness?

THIS WEEK'S CARD: THE HERMIT



For me, the difference is solitude is something you WANT
and feel comfortable with, a peaceful, relaxing and
inspirational space, and loneliness is an UNWANTED
experience of being on your own.

>> Okay..so maybe I'm lonely.


I believe one of the greatest fears we have is the fear of
loneliness, especially the loneliness that we feel when
we are without a lover.

>> Does it ring a bell? haha.. fear of lonelines..


This fear traps many of us into unfulfilling or
destructive relationships, or leads us into pursuing the
wrong person just to AVOID being on our own.

>> Am I self-destructing? I think I'm like this way, way, back... as in waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back. I get into relationship as fast as lightning could strike, just afraid of being alone.


When The Hermit appears in your reading, it may represent
the loneliness you feel at the time. And remember, it is
possible to feel more isolated and lonely in an unhappy
relationship or marriage than when you are actually on your
own!

>> For the past 3 months that we separated, I felt a breath of fresh air! Whew! Never been better! But that's it. I'm alone... but I'm better in terms of mentally, physically and emotionally.

If this is the case, the card is suggesting you take time
out for inner reflection. In fact, The Hermit is also known
as the Contemplation card in some Tarot decks. Why do you
feel lonely? What can you do to help turn unwanted
loneliness into welcome solitude?

>> Naku, inner reflection..

Do you believe you can transform your loneliness into
solitude? I believe you can. Focus on contemplating
positive opportunities and outcomes. Spend your time
reflecting on past joys and accomplishments. Consider what
you can do with your life to create more satisfaction and
fulfillment.

The Hermit is saying ‘take your time and chill out, don’t
make any hasty or impetuous decisions, THINK about the
issues in your life carefully and from a more open-minded
perspective and with a more positive attitude’.

>> chillax lang.. ehehe.. think positive. the secret. ayos!

The card also suggests you should be patient, as it may
take a little more time before the period of unwanted
loneliness you are suffering will pass. Of course, it can
also mean don’t let the fear of loneliness hold you back
from making an important decision!

>> eto na, eto na.. decisions.. decisions.. DECISIONS!


When The Hermit appears in your readings, don’t rush any
decisions, take time out to think about and contemplate
your options carefully, and if you feel lonely consider how
you can change the way you view your ‘loneliness’ to create
a sense of solitude instead.

>> One of good friends had advised me to take things slow. Enjoy what I have for now. Huwag magmadali. Enjoy the moment. At least, we're talking now. Patience.....


Love and Joy,
Alison

You have Two Choices

*** got this online. just something to think about...***

Jerry is the manager of a restaurant. He is always in a good mood. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would always reply: "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

Many of the waiters at his restaurant quit their jobs when he changed jobs, so they could follow him around from restaurant to restaurant

Why?

Because Jerry was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was always there, telling him how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him "I don't get it! No one can be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, I have two choices today. I can choose to be in a good mood or I can choose to be in a bad mood. I always choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be victim or I can choose to learn from it. I always choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I always choose the positive side of life."

"But it's not always that easy," I protested.

"Yes it is," Jerry said.

"Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk every situation is a choice.
You choose how you react to situations.. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. It's your choice how you live your life."

Several years later, I heard that Jerry accidentally did something you are never supposed to do in the restaurant business. He left the back door of his restaurant open And then in the morning, he was robbed by three armed men.

While Jerry trying to open the safe box, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him.

Luckily, Jerry was found quickly and rushed to the hospital. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Want to see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied.

"Then, after they shot me, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared" I asked?

Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine.

But when they wheeled me into the Emergency Room and I saw the expression on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared.

In their eyes, I read 'He's a dead man..

I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything."

'Yes,' to bullets, I replied.

Over their laughter, I told them: "I am choosing to live. Please operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

"Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude.

I learned from him that every day you have the choice to either enjoy your life or to hate it. The only thing that is truly yours - that no one can control or take from you is your attitude, so if you can take care of that, everything else in life becomes much easier.

untitled

For the past couple of days,my heart and my mind are on a whirl. I really don't know what to think or feel now that I know the truth. I'm not angry when I finally heard from him what I've known all along. In fact, I totally understand what he's currently undergoing right now.

I was once in his shoes. Falling in love with someone else yet I still love and care for him. You could say that I was a two-timer in that phase of my life. Bad,isn't it? But well, I'd been there. Done that. But for sure, I wouldn't do it again. I learned a lot during that phase of my life.

He's in love..but with someone else. Painful as it may sound, but I still love him. I'm not a hypocrite to say that I'm not hurt. I AM. BUT! I'm not in my psychotic mode now..hahaha... that's what his friends refer to me..psychotic ex. I'm actually numb. I don't feel a thing. I don't know what to feel. I cry, yes. I still cry from time to time. But the feeling that I want him all to myself..well.. yes. I admit, I want him mine. Maybe not for now. Nah..that's not true. I want him mine but then again.. I dunno.

So many things have happened between us. We fought, separated but still I want him there.

I'm just a simple girl. I want us to be a family. A real family. One of my good friends told me to take things slow. He did say that too. It's actually good that we're talking again. I miss those talks. It's been a long time since we talked about anything and everything under the sun. It makes me smile that we're talking again. TAKE-THINGS-SLOW...My request? I want to see him often as I could not just with Celo as a family.. but just the two of us like we're dating again.

Yes, we're dating again. Maybe not exclusively but it's a start.

I love him so much and I understand what he's undergoing right now. Us being together may still be a dream but maybe we'll get there slowly but surely. He has a lot of issues to resolve on his own. He needs this for his own growth.

Meanwhile, I still have Marcelo to love and nurture. He's a product of us. I'm learning a lot too from my kid. Everyday, he learns a new word..like ba-shet-bol.. ah...basketball pala un..hehehe.. He tinkers with his piano telling me in his German language that there's no battery and he would like to get a screwdriver to open it up and put batteries.. He loves reading and me teaching him things. He's so happy when we're complete. You would see it in his eyes.

Sometimes it gets me thinking.. Is it right that I'm doing this?

Maybe it's the ideal. Maybe there's no right or wrong answer.

Day by day, I learn something new. Makes me smile that this is happening right now. I still have this wish etched on my mind.. I often tell Celo to be patient and everything would work out fine in the end. But well, it's up to him to decide the ending of this fairy tale.

Eraserheads

got this from wikipedia...

2008 Reunion

It has been confirmed by the members that they will be reuniting, on August 30 2008, Ely said that the reunion will be for a night only.A famous tobacco company is said to be behind the up coming event. Sources say that the band members were paid P10,000,000.00 each for a 45 minute set. Buendia was quoted saying "Im not doing this for the money but for the E-heads fans who remain loyal". They are expecting 35,000 attendees and tickets will be distributed online for free early August 2008. This highly awaited one-night concert is reportedly to be held at CCP open grounds.

gusto ko manood nito!!!hahaha..

Eraserheads

got this from wikipedia...

2008 Reunion

It has been confirmed by the members that they will be reuniting, on August 30 2008, Ely said that the reunion will be for a night only.A famous tobacco company is said to be behind the up coming event. Sources say that the band members were paid P10,000,000.00 each for a 45 minute set. Buendia was quoted saying "Im not doing this for the money but for the E-heads fans who remain loyal". They are expecting 35,000 attendees and tickets will be distributed online for free early August 2008. This highly awaited one-night concert is reportedly to be held at CCP open grounds.

My Family

Our family pic after a long, long time.

Me, Celo and Marts in Jollibee last July 13,2008. We were supposed to go to the zoo but it was postponed because of the rains. Anyway, we just went to Megamall for some strolling and eating. Where else would we eat but to Celo's ever favorite Krispy Kreme and Jollibee hangouts..hahaha..

Let's just say that after the storm, we've been talking and maybe, hopefully we could work things out to be a family again. These 2, especially the little one is the most important man in my life. I'd fight heaven and hell just for him. The big one, I loved a lot.. we may have lots of misunderstandings in the past but he'll always be and always is the man I've truly loved.

organizing and uploading photos

waaaaah!!!

naduduling at nahihirapan ako magupload ng pics..tsk tsk.. pano naipon.. 300+ pictures.. naupload na sa flickr ko but kelangan ko pa i-organize. tsk tsk..

i guess i need to have 1 free whole day. baket ba nde ko to ginawa nung pto???

Yoga

For the past couple of days, I've had yoga in my mind. hehe..

It all started when we went to Yellow Cab last Saturday. Thanks Jeh for the treat! and belated happy 10th to you and Ed!

Anyway, I saw this article regarding "Hot Yoga." It featured the Bikram Yoga Manila. After reading it, it made me want to do it. I've been wanting to try it out ages ago way back in college. Neither had the funds, the time nor the will to do it.. hahaha...

Well, I believe now is the time in my life to explore the possibilities of learning Yoga. I'm still on the "research" stage. Trying to look for a center that would fit my budget, time and of course, location is accessible.

Here's a list of the yoga centers I found on the net.

1. Ananda Marga Yoga Center - located in Sikatuna Village, Q.C.
Price for the 8-week course is 1800pesos which includes a book and a cd. 250pesos for drop-ins. Not bad.

2. Bikram Yoga Manila - located in Salcedo Village, Makati
This is the center I read from the mag. They have an introductory package which costs 1k for 3 sessions that you must take within a week. If you decide after experiencing the introductory package that you want more, just add 4k and be able to avail of their unlimited package for a month. Quite expensive if you shell out the 5k instantly but if you compute it, it's cheaper. But then again, can I do that do yoga for 30 days straight? hehehe..

3. Yoga Manila - has 3 locations: Ortigas, Makati and Alabang.
400pesos per class. 2200pesos for 6 classes can be taken over a 90-day period in any 3 locations. Not bad.

4. Pulse Yoga - located in Greenhills.
500pesos for walk-ins. One week unlimited pass for 1200pesos or 4k monthly. This by far is the nearest to me but still seems expensive. Sorry, I'm a cheapskate.. hahaha...

5. Vinyasa Yoga Center - located in Ortigas.
400pesos for a trial session. 4200 for 12 sessions. Not bad too. This is near my office so the place is really accessible.

So why all this yoga stuff in mind? Well, I just really need to do something. Something constructive, take my mind off my problems and in the process be stress-free and lose weight too. hehehe..

So who wants to join me on yoga bandwagon?

New Cam

Yup, this is my new toy! Fujifilm FinePix S700. Para siyang mini dslr. Parang one step ahead sa digicam pero low tech na digicam.. hahaha... Okay siya kase may manual functions eh.. daming functions! May auto (shempre), natural, natural/flash, moving, video, at kung ano ano pa. 7.1MegaPixels siya kaya ok din. Hindi mo nga lang napapalitan lens. Pero asteg pa rin! Oonaman, padala ni daddy dearest at mommy dearest eh!

Mejo long overdue na nga na magkaroon ako ng digicam eh. Dapat last year pa, nagkaroon ng restraining order kase, tapos nanenok na. Kaya hayun! Yun sunod na pinadala eh divicam, okay sana kasoooo... nde ko matatransfer dito kay Lappie d' macbook eh. Kase ung cd niya ung super liit.. eh slot loading to... Anyways, this new cam of mine uses an xs picture card parang 3/4 ng mmc ung size eh. Pwede daw transfer through usb or using card reader.. si kuya kuripot wag na daw gamitin ung usb, aksaya sa baterya.. kaya ung card reader na lang daw niya. siguro one of these days gagawin ko pag may pagkakataon. Tamad mode ako e. Naudlot yung linis mode ko. Sayang.. titirahin ko sana ung ref.. sarap linisin eh!

Anyway, this pic was taken on my laptop.. last week pa ata.. hahaha.. walang pagkakataon na mapost at iedit kase.. hahaha...

Anyway, sabi ko nga pupunta na ako ng bangko, kelangan ko ng allowance.. tsk tsk... nagbayad kase ako sa laundry ng sandamakmak kong damit.

Sana approve yung leave ko next week para bakasyon galore.. (kase wala ng pera) hahaha.. maglilinis kase ako dito.. un un!

this is the online pic of my cam.. hehehe...

bagong blog

just created a new blog.. walang magawa! kelangan na ngang matulog, gising pa rin! actually, kelangan ko pumunta ng bangko dahil wala na ako pera pampasok mamaya.. tsk tsk.. kakasweldo lang, wala na naman akong pera.. maniningil na ako.. hahahah...

sana may magbayad! un lng..

meron naman.. tipid mode ever.

bad trip kulang pambili ko ng kama :( huhu..kelan kaya si mama magpapadala? ayaw kong umasa sa ganon kaso kelangan... nagsabi naman siya eh.

dumaan ung in-law kong hilaw. ok naman. ayaw ko ng magsalita. alam ko naman ang gusto nila eh. wala naman sa akin yun. may mga bagay-bagay lang talagang kelangan maayos. kelangan ayusin ng anak nila.

kung ako may pagkakamali, inaamin ko yun. pero nde habambuhay ko un pagdudusahan. gusto kong maging masaya! ngayon kung ayaw mo, di wag.. walang pilitan. basta ako kasama ko anak ko at masaya kame.

un lng nga.. miss kita.. hahaha...

pero ok lng un. lilipas din naman ang pagkamiss ko sau. kung ako nga nde mo namimiss. ung anak mo nga, tinitiis mo.. eh di so be it.

okay lang, that's life.. osha kelangan magbangko.. san kaya ako pupulot ng pera... bili naman kayo sakin..hahhaha...